2014 Park Map Released



The All-New Hydroblaster Memorial Cul-De-Sac


In case you missed our entirely incoherent ramblings about the 2014 Park Map release on our Twitter, we’re here to give you the low-down on what’s new, different, or just confusing about the 2014 season! 

After Valleyfair released the park map yesterday on their website, we studied it closely to discern the ostensible differences between the 2013 map and the 2014 map. With that said, here is what we have come to know is different based on this year’s map: 

  • In Soak City, Giggle Run/Splash Station looks to be remodeled, however this is not a confirmed upgrade. For all we know, the map makers quite simply could have been striving to make the area look more appealing than it actually is. 
  • There are new Sand Volleyball courts where IMAX used to reside. Upside? We’ll probably have to have a tournament sometime this season. Downside? It’ll probably cost money to rent Volleyballs. Commence the onslaught of people trying to smuggle in Volleyballs to Valleyfair. 
  • Also new in Soak City for this year is a sandbox. “Really….. a sandbox?” Yes. Simply put, yes. Not the craziest addition, but families like that sort of thing, so from a cheap, cost-efficient, economical standpoint, we would argue that it makes sense. We’re also going to argue that it’s going to get torn down for the 2015 season in order to make way for an actual Soak City upgrade, but that’s just “speculation”. 
  • Hydroblaster is gone. So there’s that. We now have a nice, newly repaved cul-de-sac, so with that said, we have this offer: If anyone wants to build a janky little lemonade stand and set up shop on the curb across from Subway, let us know! (Not actually though — Probably not the best idea)
  • The Auntie Anne’s that is all-new this year will be in the same building as Cinnabon, thus maximizing tastiness while minimizing square-footage-used. Kudos Foods Dept., kudos. 
  • A new Hi-Striker game is going into Route-76′s general area. 
  • The most amusing addition we’ve spotted as of yet has to be the new roundabout where Tilter used to be. We can just see the Roller Coaster Tycoon scenario playing out. “Guest 246 is lost, and can’t find the entrance to Tilter.” 
  • The old Carousel Shop (one of the two gift-shops at the entrance) has now been renamed “Sweet!” and will have candy, gifts, and souvenirs. 
  • There will be a Food-Truck type eatery in Route 76. Generally speaking, it doesn’t seem to fit in with the whole feel of Route-76, but then again that’s just based off of the concept art and how the area was initially depicted. We could proven wrong. 
  • Excalibur Drinks has been abandoned and is now completely off the park map. RIP. 
  • The Amphitheater is still dead, thus we pray for its resurrection. Or a new family coaster. 

That just about wraps up all that we spotted. If you found anything else, feel free to comment on this post & we’ll throw it onto the list. We’re hoping the Live Entertainment lineup will be announced soon, so stay tuned for that information. Thanks for reading & start counting down darnit — We’re a little over a month away from Opening Day! 

Webcam Down; Chaos & Conspiracies Ensue

After the recent decision to take down the Route-76 webcam from the Valleyfair website, a number of Valleyfair enthusiasts have sparked interest in what many are calling the “Route-76 Conspiracy Theory”. The theory maintains that after the Apocalypse that happened just a few short weeks ago, the webcam may or may not have been stolen by a large mob of Garbage Receptacle Rights Activists, who are still angry that the two garbage cans at the Route-76 construction site remain flipped over. Valleyfairzone staffers attempted to interview the president of the GRA, though efforts remained entirely unsuccessful.

Concerned fan Miles Lopez explains his theory on the webcam situation. “Man, I just don’t get it! But actually, I think I kinda do,” Miles explained with great befuddlement. “They say ‘Due to the construction’ the webcam is down, but isn’t that kinda the point of the webcam in the first place? To track the construction? I dunno man, it’s just fishy……” Later, when asked about his thoughts on who might have tampered with the live-feed, Lopez had simply one word: “Illuminati.”

Regardless of what your theory may be, we’re hoping to get some concrete answers about the foundation of this story. As always, stay tuned for more news.

New Dining Meal Options


Mmmm. Food.

Valleyfair recently announced their all-new “All Day Dining” and “Single Meal Dining” plans for the 2014 season. The All-Day Dining plan will put you down about $26 ($26.72 according to the website) and $14.95 for the Single Meal Dining plan. Initially, analysts here at Valleyfairzone headquarters were very impressed with these new and seemingly exciting meal plans. However, after a deeper look, we scraped away the details behind both plans which revealed a corporate marketing strategy that is — needless to say — rather meritorious.

Let’s start with the All Day Dining Plan. For only $26.72, a person can choose from one of several entrees and a side every 90 minutes from the time in which they enter the park until the time that they leave. How does the park keep track of how often someone goes to eat? We have no clue. We’re sure there’s some brilliant plan behind this whole dining ordeal.

The Catch:

  • You have to wait 90 minutes in between meals, thus prohibiting guests from getting plates upon plates of food for your family or friends. All you scheming, economical individuals, let us all join in a loud, unified sigh. *Sigh*
  • This plan, while giving people as much food as they want, does not include a drink. So, if you’re thirsty for something other than three 10 oz. cups of water, you’ll need to drop down a few shekels for a soft-drink, or purchase one of those handy-dandy-dime-a-dozen-99-cent-refill Souvenir Cups that are only $9.99. And an encore for all those who still obstinately refuse to pay for anything over $2. *Sigh*

Moving onto the Single Meal Plan, guests are able purchase a single meal (an entree and side) including a drink for only $14.95. In all reality, there’s not all that much to this plan, so let’s cut right to the catch.

The Catch:

  • The meal is $14.95, which still seems a bit pricey, though in all fairness it includes an entree, side, and drink, which is probably only a buck or two more if all bought separately at any given food location throughout the park.
  • It’s a single meal. No other catches than that.

So, what does everyone think of these plans? Economical? Expensive? Just plain confusing? We aren’t sure what to make of them either. Nonetheless, they seem like marketable, effective plans that will make going to Valleyfair a little bit more cost-effective, especially for those who aren’t willing to drive three minutes west to Mc. Donalds. Let us know what YOU think of these plans, and we’ll keep you updated on which restaurants the meals apply to.

New Haunt Structure for 2014?


A Permanent Haunt Structure at Cedar Point

The latest word on the proverbial highway of Route-76 is that for the 2014 season, Valleyfair is not only adding the largest expansion since Planet Snoopy (that expansion being Route 76 if you live under a rock (Not that there’s anything wrong with living under a rock)) but also apparently a new permanent Haunt structure.

Now to make things interesting, we already know that Picnic Point is expanding to accommodate another 2300+ sq. ft. pavilion, and possibly even a third pavilion. Thus, the one/two new shelters add up to three utterly massive pavilions (see also ideal Haunt locations) for the Picnic Point area as a whole.

However, on top of the Picnic Point expansion, it is heavily rumored that somewhere in the park there is to be added a Haunt structure/pole barn that would house an additional indoor maze. This has been rumored for a while, and given that a Haunt Dept. has been established and the need for Haunt storage is in increasingly high demand, we find this rumor to be pretty darn likely.

So in other words, keep your Haunt eyes peeled once Opening Day rolls around because we just might be seeing a new Haunt location, thus expanding the Halloween Haunt at Valleyscare to an even bigger event than last year. Be afraid. Be very afraid.

Apparent Apocalypse Still Affecting Route-76 Construction Site


The latest photo of the destruction

Amidst riots, utter catastrophe, and what appears to be the ultimate showdown between good and evil, Route-76 construction has seemed to halt, as evidenced by the giant blob of hellish “Armageddon Goo” that currently covers the Route-76 webcam, and has been raining from the skies incessantly over the past two days. Despite the impending doom that awaits the rest of humanity, we’ve heard rumors that Route-76 construction will resume once things “calm down a bit.” The primary concern among the biggest Valleyfair fans and enthusiasts at this point is whether or not the new area will open on time, though our expert crew of Valleyfanalysts predict that by Opening Day the apocalyptic conditions will clear and things have a “18.4% chance of being ready.” Stay tuned for more information.


Auntie Anne’s — New for 2014

Mmmm. Pretzels. 

According to Valleyfair’s Dining page, one of a few audibles in the food lineup this year will include an Auntie Anne’s pretzel location somewhere near the Carousel. Currently the Fudge Shop from 2013 is not listed on the page, so we can guess that it may be located in that building, however we aren’t certain, so we’ll have to wait and see once the map comes out.

Stay tuned for some other exciting news about new eating options coming to the park this Summer!

Interview with Northern Lights Footer



Valleyfairzone officials were lucky enough to get a distant interview with a footer from the new Northern Lights coaster today. Interviewers stood along Hwy. 101 screaming into sub-arctic winds in order to get a word with the footer, who is also referred to as, “The Big Square Cement Block right next to Giant Pile O’ Dirt”. Due to the cold temperatures we weren’t able to get much information from Mr. Footer, but nonetheless, here’s the transcript of the interview:

VFZ – Mr. Footer, thank you for your willingness to talk with us today. We’re very grateful that you took time out of your busy and rapidly changing schedule to meet with us. How are you?

Footer - It’s really freaking cold outside, guys. You have no clue. I think the two garbage cans next to me are dead, and I’m not sure if Mr. Pile O’ Dirt will be able to unthaw by May. It’s really awful out here. 

VFZ – Great to hear, great to hear. Now, we saw before the Holiday break started that there were a few construction workers doing some work on the Northern Lights coaster foundation. Can you explain to us what all they were doing?

Footer - Well, they laid some cement foundations down, and soon enough they’re going to construct massive pieces of steel on our heads so a big plate can run over us hundreds upon thousands of times for God knows how long. It’s kind of demoralizing if you ask me, but what do I know? I’m a piece of cement. 

Mr. Footer was unresponsive as we tried to push on in the interview; we’re assuming it was due to the horrifically low temperatures and lack of activity on the construction site. We’ll keep you updated on the state of Mr. Footer as we hear more.