Fanboy “Really Stoked” About New 1/4 Mile Long Tanning Area

Screen Shot 2014-06-04 at 7.34.13 PMWith 120,000 Square Ft. of concrete, this place will be HOT

After years of speculation, it has been undoubtedly determined by 14-year-old Valleyfair fan and Gold season pass holder Mark Nonever that after spotting a copious amount of flags, the Dining Patio — including our beloved Subway franchise — will be removed in the immediate future to make way for a new 1/4-mile long sun-tanning location. “I heard that it’ll kind of look like the seating area by Breakers Bay, but with less umbrellas and more chairs. I think it’ll really bring a lot of activity to this side of the park!”

The Dining Patio has remained mostly unused since the addition of Picnic Point, and is considered by many to be a relic since the removal of the Flume in 2007. “They removed the Flume when I was 7, but from what my Dad tells me it was kind of the “abandoned jungle” of the park, and wasn’t nearly as cool as the Cabanas that are there now,” explained Nonever. “Now you can pay money to sit in the shade, get some free sunscreen, and Snapchat your friends cool pictures from near the back of Breakers Bay.”

Complete with four lengthy rows of reclining chairs, the new tanning area should be a smash hit for all those abnormally pasty Minnesotans who don’t get down to Florida much, or simply for those who really detest vegetation. “I just hope there isn’t any shade — This past winter was LONG.” exclaimed Nonever.

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